I Promise!

It's New Year's Resolution time again! And as we know, most of these resolutions fall by the wayside within a few months, if not sooner! A Resolution is nothing more than a promise we make to ourselves, and as such, we must conclude one of two things. We either promise things we really don't care that much about, or we are really lousy at keeping promises, at putting our money where our mouth is, at holding ourselves accountable, at doing what we say we'll do, at saying what we mean and meaning what we say!

This year, think hard about what you really want to create for yourself in the new year, create a plan that includes manageable and meaningful goals, and hold yourself accountable for keeping the promises you make. You will feel better about yourself, and you will be creating a life you can be proud to live!

Have a wonderful, joyful, intentionally created, and happy New Year!

Christmas Good Cheer!

Christmas...It brings up all kinds of memories and feelings, some good...and some not so pleasant. I have recently heard a great deal of talk from "experts" and regular folk alike about how to best "get through" the holidays. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do more than just "survive" the holidays, more than merely tolerate all the relatives who "infest" our lives and our homes at this time of year?

Some suggestions:

Think about whether you love these people. If you do, welcome them from a place of love, and treat them as you would treat someone you love, or the way you would like to be treated as a "loved one"!

If you don't love them enough to treat them with respect and compassion (regardless of the way they choose to behave), or if you have issues with them which will not allow you to treat them well, DON'T INVITE THEM! It is so much better to avoid unloving behavior and other mischief than to put yourself, and them, in harm's way. The message of Christmas is love, not superiority, judgment, and being "right" and making sure everyone knows you are right! And if you are invited somewhere and you cannot behave well with others who will be there, DON'T GO!

If you have relatives who consistently over-drink at the holidays, talk with them ahead of time about whether they are willing or able to drink less. Hold THEM responsible for their drinking decisions and behavior, do NOT...I repeat, do NOT... attempt to manage or control their drinking, unless you choose not to provide or allow any alcohol at your family gathering, which is certainly your call. If you provide and allow alcohol, and your relatives and/or friends state a willingness and ability to limit their alcohol consumption, hold them accountable for what they say. If they drink too much, they must leave. Follow through with your expectations and the consequences for non-compliance. Love is setting limits, saying what you mean and meaning what you say. We cannot have good, close relationships with others without it.

Remember why we celebrate Christmas. A man named Jesus was born so that we can love each other better, have better relationships, and do some good in the world. Let's remember that! Enjoy all that the holidays bring...family, friends, good times, gift giving, good food, downtime from work, warm feeling in the heart. Remember what happened to the Grinch, and let your heart grow three sizes this year! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Thanksgiving & Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is coming soon. What a perfect opportunity to remember the importance of gratitude in our lives. Studies consistently show that those who focus on what that have are generally happier than those who focus on what they don't have. The simple, daily practice of listing at least 10 things we are grateful for in our lives (do it when you first wake up, to start the day well!) makes a huge difference in allowing us to maintain a positive focus, thus elevating our mood...in other words... we're happier! whatever we exercise becomes stronger, whether it's a muscle, a thought, a belief, an emotion, or a behavior!

So...spend some time today thinking of things for which you are grateful! Come on, surely you can come up with many things that are going right in your life. Reminding yourself of the positive aspects of your life will improve your day...and the day of everyone you come into contact with today!

Speaking of connection & love...?

I recently overheard two women in a coffee shop talking about another woman who was 40 years old and evidently had never had sex. First, not nice to talk about other people's personal business without their knowledge or consent; second, the tone of the conversation was lacking in any sense of "knowing" regarding the other woman's life, or compassion for the woman; third, they were laughing in disbelief, and appeared to be making fun of the fact that she had never had sex and the fact that she apparently was now in a romantic relationship and was talking about wanting children, which the two women I overheard obviously thought was a ridiculous idea at her age. What an incredible degree of disconnect would be required to have a conversation of this nature about anyone! What made it even more interesting, and unf0rtunate, was that the conversation was interrupted by a phone call taken by one of the women, where she spoke with someone who sounded like they might have been a child of hers...and the loving tone she used and claims of love for the person on the phone belied her lack of loving feelings for the woman they were gossiping about. More evidence of an emotional disconnect and a detachment from humanity! How do we do it! Do we realize how much we are negatively impacted in our own lives by doing it!

It's The Law!

I recently had file a small claims action against a tenant of a rental property I own, for non-payment of rent and damages. At the hearing, the renter said they moved out prior to the end of the lease, and without notice to me, because I had told them I was putting the house on the market to sell it. This was not exactly true, since I had only offered to sell it to them, because they stated they might be interested in buying it. They also told the judge that all of the damages to the property were incurred before they moved in...also not true. When the judgment was handed down by the judge, he said they were not obligated to pay because I had sold the house and the security deposit would serve as payment for the required 30 days notice they were required to give prior to vacating the property.

When I asked the judge if the judgment would be altered if the errors in the conclusions he cited in the court order were corrected he said, "no...that speaks to the 'finding of facts' not to his decision regarding the case."

My question is, if the facts are not accurate (The house was not sold) and if the facts were not relevant in making a decision, then how could an accurate, reasonable decision be made, and why does he, as a judge, not care about the accuracy of the decisions he makes! Scary stuff!

And yet, through the 30 + years I have dealt with the legal system in many capacities, I have repeated seen that the legal system has little to do with justice or truth, and more to do with the letter of the law, and the egos of judges who are entrusted with protecting our rights and giving us a voice. Unfortunately this also seems to parallel the underlying lack of integrity and accountability which has brought us to the mess in which we are currently embroiled.

What...Compassion?

Yes, Michael Jackson was a brilliant, talented, gifted artist. And if musical genius and giftedness are what we value most, then let's continue to relate to his death the way we are. But it seems to me we are being selfish and egocentric in this approach. It feels to me that we are very much in touch with how Michael Jackson helped us feel, and what he did for us...not so much with what life...and to a certain degree... his incredible creative talent , did to him. I have heard a great deal of talk about how sincerely and genuinely he spoke through his lyrics, and yet, even knowing that he was very often in anguish, we still want to "celebrate his life." Was he "celebrating" his life when he was in it? Where is our compassion for his experience of life that created his need to express such pain in his music! I heard an interview with a "fan" who planned to attend Michael's funeral. The interviewer asked if the fan was "conflicted" when he thought about the fact that Michael Jackson was really two different people...one who was the artist everyone adored and idolized, and the other the tortured, mal-adapted individual who's life was a constant emotional and psychic struggle...
The fan actually stated, "No" to that heartfelt, quite profound question' stating he was not conflicted at all. He was going to "celebrate his music...sing, laugh, and have a good time!" Not even a comment which might have indicated he was, in any way, in touch with what the interviewer what talking about. How incredibly heartless and lacking in empathy and connection with Michael's pain! That is what breaks my heart about the whole situation with Michael Jackson's death and with the state of our connection with each other in general. Please! Let's think seriously about this!

Caring & Connection

I haven't written an entry in a long time, and there is a good reason why. Like many baby-boomers, I have an aging parent who sometimes needs my help. My mother is 91 years old, and has been very healthy all of her life. Then, last fall, she broke her back. We're not sure how, since she was alone when it happened, and the story changes with each telling, but she was bedridden for two months following the injury. She did not want to go into assisted living in the retirement home where she lives, and did not want to go to the health center either. So the family decided to attempt to allow her to remain in independent living by providing her with the assistance she needed to do so. And although we were able to be there for her, it was, of course, a challenge to fit it all into our already full lives. Baby-boomers are very familiar with this scenerio, and need to balance their own needs with the needs of their aging parent(s).

Here are a few suggestions for ways to balance it all and maintain a sense of caring for your older parent as you provide for their increasing dependency, health and transportation needs, and other types of needs they develop as they age.

Remember you love them and want them t0 be happy.

If you don't feel like you love them, remember everyone needs love. Perhaps y0u can explore ways t0 feel more loving toward them...(Life coaching can help with this!)

Be sure to balance giving with taking time for yourself. Find time to enjoy activities that are satisfying and fun! Even if finding time is a challenge, it is vital to prioritize time for self-care...and even self-indulgence! Being good to yourself reduces resentment t0ward the parent who needs your help.

Get help from community resources, and from siblings and other family members, when possible. You may be unaware of how much help is available to you and your family. Check it out!

"Finding Yourself..."

I've always been curious about this notion of "finding yourself." You are with yourself every day. It is impossible to lose yourself! It is more accurate to think in terms of contemplating the type of person you would like to be with every day, the type of person you would like to be...and then practice behaving in ways that create that person. Then you can always be assured of being with someone you can be proud of, of being someone you can be proud of! Life is an intentional endeavor which requires intentional decisions about how we each want to behave, and how we each want to be seen by ourselves and others. If we make conscious, intentional decisions about our lives, we benefit from having lives we can be proud of. In doing so, we cultivate quality relationships, both with ourselves, and with others!

Forgiveness

We are on this planet with other people. It is hard to avoid other people, and, in fact, I believe having good relationships with others is the only way to find joy, purpose, and happiness in life.
So...what to do when other people do stupid, hurtful, and "unforgivable" things, especially if it feels like it is being done to you? The only answer: Forgive. We are all imperfect, mischievous creatures and not to forgive means acquiring too many people you have to avoid, have angry thoughts toward or about, and with whom you can't be in relationship. It's exhausting! So...how to forgive. Forgiveness is not forgetting. (After all, I'm not suggesting amnesia!) Forgiveness is not condoning whatever horrible thing you feel has been done or said to you. Forgiveness is just about letting it go and acknowledging that we are all human and prone to doing stupid, thoughtless things. Recognizing that it is really not about you when someone behaves poorly, but is the other person's decision how to behave in the world helps create some distance between you and whatever was done or said. Think about it. Get over it, and move on to keeping your connection with others...as many "others" as possible! You will ultimately feel better, and your life will improve! I promise it will!